We've got Exciting Weather here in Pennsylvania today, which makes relevant that perennial thought, "Crap, I need new winter boots."
And that means it's time to embark on my annual bitchfest on behalf of women everywhere, the "I just need a pair of decent winter boots, people, is that so much to ask?!" rant.
Seriously! I mean, fine, I have a couple of strikes against me: namely, I am small--I wear a size 5 or 6 shoe, which is at the extreme low end of you can 'reasonably expect it to be available' for women in the US--and I have muscular calves. They're not freakish mutant calves, but they are the legs of a short woman who walks a mile between work and home every day. These are not measurements that women are allowed to come in, apparently. I can easily find boots that fit my legs. They are at least size 7. To my mind, this looks like a boat with a sink pipe attached to it. Do females actually come with feet that big attached to legs like milkshake straws? I am granted the honor of choosing between boots that fit my feet but bunch up around my ankles, or clown shoes that reach my knees.
Ah, but I get ahead of myself! Before I bother worrying about size, I first need to find boots that actually qualify as functional. See, I live in Pennsylvania, the state of meteorological schizophrenia. We're having winter weather today. Is it snow? Ice? Slush? Raspberries raining from the sky? No one knows! So when I look for boots, I look for qualities that cover the wintery gamut: I want a tread that's reliable on ice (that means no felt on the bottom, wtf are you people thinking?!), that won't get soaked in sleet (does anyone waterproof their footwear anymore?), and that stays warm in snow. Oh! And while I'm at it, I admit that I adore suede, it's a beautiful material, but I'd really like a boot that's made of something that won't spontaneously combust the first time it encounters road salt.
And here's where I get completely unreasonable. If someone could manage, if it wouldn't be asking too much, it might be kind of nice for these mythical boots to be moderately attractive. The featureless lump-boots
(ugg boots, indeed!) that're so popular lately would probably fit, yes, but they make me look like I have camel's feet and, while they look very snuggly, like stuffed animals for your feet, I don't bring my teddy bear to work, either. Also, they're always made of suede. And while things like galoshes/wellingtons and duck boots
are indisputably functional, they're so
functional that I fear wearing them will summon a herd of farm animals from nowhere to create a sodden barnyard to tromp around in. What I want is maybe something, you know, foot-shaped. That doesn't look like a silent declaration of war on Siberia.
But, um, people? "Attractive" is not synonymous with high heels. I know heels are super-sexy and all, but 1: not every woman likes or is capable of wearing them, and 2: there's a time and a place! Yes, fine, I'm sure there are women out there who've mastered the art of high heels to the point where they can balance by one 4" stiletto on an egg without cracking it, but for 99% of us, how is this
possibly a good idea? And these
are perfectly lovely, but I'd go skidding off to my doom the first time I hit a patch of ice. And...wait, what?
Okay, that fits not a single one of my qualifications, plus I think it involved drugs. Somebody withhold that guy's bong and drag him bodily out of the 70s, please.
Where was I before the yeti-pimp-boots...? Oh, yes. Money. You can find all the above things so long as you're willing to spend $100 or so, but since I consider that a somewhat luxurious amount to spend on boots, I'm stuck with ugly, defective, or clown shoes.